In My Heart: a sweetbriar hearts novel Read online

  I hopped out of the car and opened the back door. I grinned at Dylan as I unbuckled his seatbelt. “True, you are cute. But we’ll be living in town now. Grandma is going to babysit you every morning all summer when I work at Violet’s. Cuteness is only going to get you so far when we’re here all the time. Keep that in mind.”

  He considered my words. “Okay, you’re on your own, then. I’ll save my cuteness for when I spill milk or break a window.”

  “Good plan. Let’s go in.”

  He jumped out and started running for the front door.

  “Lily Elizabeth Barrett Sullivan. You are late,” I heard Mom shout from the huge brick porch. “Tell me you did not stop at Pixie Cakes. You’d better not be full of cupcakes after I’ve been cooking all of your favorites all day,” she said as she headed for my car, Rose, hot on her heels and headed for the back seat to steal my baby.

  “Hi, Lily,” Rose said as she unbuckled Calla and gave her a snuggle. Calla pulled her hair and “kissed” her cheek—Calla kisses consisted of an open mouth and copious amounts of drool.

  “I did not stop at Pixie Cakes, Mom. I stopped at Luke’s. Dylan wanted to meet him, and I wanted to get it over with.” I was hanging by a thread, so much was going through my mind. I needed to sit down. I needed cupcakes. What I really needed was a bottle of wine, but I couldn’t have that until I weaned Calla.

  “Oh. Oh my gosh.” She put her arms straight up in the air. “Yay! Rose, she went to Luke’s! How did it go? Is Dylan okay? Mark and Mara grabbed him as soon as he crossed the doorway. I didn’t even get to say hi or get a hug.” Mark and Mara were my oldest brother, Asher’s, kids, twins, the same age as Dylan. There were a lot of twins in my family, but Rose and I were the only identical pair.

  “Well, we’re here for good. Plenty of time for hugs now,” I said and gave her a hug. My mother was a tall, willowy woman. I had been looking up to her figuratively and literally my whole life. She was a force of nature with long wavy silver hair and blue eyes covered with black-framed cat-eye glasses. She was always dressed immaculately and stylishly, even when she’d had all of us kids running around. I didn’t know how she managed it because I could barely find time to brush my hair. In fact, I usually just threw it up in a bun without even touching a brush. Slob, thy name is Lily.

  “I’m so excited,” Mom said, looking at me and at Rose holding Calla. “I finally have my tiny, redheaded fairy babies back together! And a little redheaded fairy grandbaby too.” Mom called us her little fairies because Rose and I had been so small when we were born, and we’d stayed small and short into adulthood. Our other siblings were tall, even the girls. Mom took Calla from Rose just as Dylan ran up to us. “There you are, Dylan.” She smiled down at him.

  “I’m here, Grandma, but I’m not a fairy,” he said and hugged her around her waist.

  “What do you want to be, darling?” She hugged him back and bent down to kiss the top of his head.

  Dylan thought for a minute. “I’m a bear-carving lumberjack like my dad Luke.” He laughed and ran back inside the house.

  Mom beamed at me as we started walking to the house. “You had a good talk with Luke, then?” she asked as she snuggled Calla close and kissed her chubby cheek. Calla did not pull her hair. Even though it was long and shining silver in the sunlight, she just stared at it, watching it sparkle in the sun.

  “Dylan did the talking. I didn’t know what to say or maybe I have too much to say.” I could feel my eyes start to burn and my lips tremble. I knew I was about to cry. What was it about being near my mother that made me so emotional?

  “Oh, honey,” she started to say, then Rose interrupted her.

  “Mom, give me the baby and take Lily upstairs to talk. I’ll check on Dylan and get him some dinner. Go on upstairs, Lily.” I loved my sister so much. She always knew what I needed. I watched her head out of the entryway and into the living room, where she was accosted by Violet, who demanded to hold Calla again. I rolled my eyes and followed Mom up the stairs to the upstairs living room.

  “Shoo, Levi, Jude. Go down and get something to eat. Lily and I need to talk,” she commanded my youngest brothers, who were lounging on the giant sectional playing Xbox. They took one look at me, each gave me a hug, and then they practically ran down the stairs. They were twenty-five and allergic to female tears and emotions of all kinds. I turned and plopped down onto the overstuffed couch and found a pillow to hug.

  “Stop hugging pillows, Lily,” Mom demanded. “You have your mama to hug now.” She sat next to me and pulled me sideways into her arms. “Tell me what happened. Luke seemed so determined to make things right with you. I’m surprised it went badly,” she said.

  “It didn’t really go bad.” I sniffed as I rested my head against her shoulder. “I just couldn’t talk. I took one look at him, and it was like going through a screwy time machine. Being near him again was so familiar, yet my brain kept reminding me that he left me had how much it hurt. He attracted me like always, even though he looks so different. It was so confusing.”

  “How was he with Dylan?” she prodded.

  “Perfect. He said everything right. Dylan is going to love him, which makes me happy, but I also think of Will. Dylan was so natural with Luke, and it made me wish we’d all been together all along. Then I felt guilty, like I was betraying Will. I loved Will so much and I still do, just not like …” I covered my face with my hands. I couldn’t even say it out loud.

  “Not like you have always loved Luke,” she finished for me.

  “Yeah,” I whispered.

  She reached out and brushed the tears from my cheeks. “Honey, we all loved Will. But he wasn’t Luke. Luke is the one for you. He was your first love, your first everything. Diana and I used to dream of you two getting married.” She laughed sadly as she remembered her best friend. “Even as babies, you gravitated toward each other. You have an identical twin sister, and sometimes it seemed like you were closer to Luke than to Rose.” Diana died in a car accident when Luke was eight.

  “This is just too much. I didn’t know I would feel this way. I shouldn’t have gone over there so soon.” I shook my head. “I’m done with being upset. I’m just going to quit thinking about it.” I decided.

  “You have to talk about it, Lily. You can’t just stop thinking about things.” She was incredulous. My mom was a thinker, an analyzer, and a problem solver. I tended to ignore things until they slapped me in the face.

  “Why? I have more important things to focus on.” I pulled out of her arms and sat back into the corner of the sectional.

  “Like what?” she asked. I could feel a lecture coming on, and I didn’t want to hear it.

  “My kids, for one. Getting settled at Gram’s house, working with Violet, my job at the school when it starts in the fall, being on my own with two kids. Take your pick.”

  “You are not on your own. You have me, you have Daddy, you have brothers and sisters who will help you whenever you need it. Even Levi and Jude will help. Those two jokers helped you today by driving your stuff down. See? We’re all here for you,” she pointed out. I knew they would help me whenever I needed it, but I wanted to feel like I could handle my life on my own for once.

  “I’m a grown woman. I’m a mother. I need to be able to do this on my own,” I tried to explain.

  “Once upon a time, you were my responsibility. One day you’ll see that a mother never lets that go. I am overjoyed that you’re back home and I am finally able to be there when you need me. And Lily, you need me. Can you let go of this tight leash you have yourself on?”

  “What if I let go of it, and I fall apart?” I choked. Talking through the lump in my throat hurt. I had to end this conversation before I turned into a blubbering mess.

  “Then I will be here to help you put yourself back together.”

  “I’ve never been on my own. I’m talking about true independence. Being an adult. Not a child. Not a fiancée. Not a wife. Just Lily.”

  “You are a
lready strong and independent. Standing on your own does not mean you have to actually be alone,” she insisted.

  “You want me to be your child and I need to be a grown-up. Do you understand?” Right when Mom was about to answer, Violet walked in. She always did have perfect timing.

  “Rose is hogging Calla. She won’t let me hold her.” Violet pouted and threw herself down next to me. “How’re you doing, Lily?” she asked and put her head on my shoulder.

  “I’m fine. Did I miss dinner? Or is everyone just grazing tonight?” I asked.

  “Since you pulled a disappearing act, we’ve all been grazing. Gram ate early, of course, and she’s left already. I mean, it’s seven o’clock. Jeopardy isn’t going to watch itself, is it? She’ll see you another time.”

  I laughed. Gram was starting to have trouble taking care of her house and the huge yard by herself, so Mom had insisted she move into the garage apartment to be closer. Dad had cleared out one of the bedrooms in Gram’s house and put Calla’s new crib together. Mom had redecorated one of the other bedrooms for Dylan and probably decorated Calla’s new nursery as well. Levi and Jude had driven the kids’ and my boxes of clothes, books, and toys down today. We’d all left at the same time, but they drove at twenty-five-year-old man speed, and I drove at mom-with-kids-in-the-car speed, so they got here first and unloaded my stuff for me. Thanks to my family, after we left here for the night, we could just go to Gram’s and get into bed. Just then I realized that I had a lot of work to do to be completely independent. My family had done too much for me. I sighed.

  “I’m starving. Let’s go eat,” I said, both to end the conversation I was having with my mother and because I really was hungry.

  “Okay, Lily. But we aren’t finished talking about this,” Mom said impatiently.

  “Oh, I interrupted something heavy. You’re welcome, Lily.” Violet laughed as we headed down the stairs then through the great room toward the kitchen. Rose was at the counter attempting to make something.

  “I smell cinnamon. What are you making, Rose? And where is my baby?” I asked as I sat down on one of the barstools at the massive butcher-block island counter in my mother’s kitchen. She had all sorts of hors d’oeuvres set up for everybody to munch on. My mother loved to entertain.

  “Apple crumble, and Dad stole her. She went willingly though, the little traitor. Dylan is playing catch in the yard with Mark and Mara, Finn and Nick, and the brothers.” Violet took off, probably to try to steal Calla from Dad. Calla was adorable, but this was getting ridiculous.

  “Where are the apples, Rose?” I saw nothing but crumble, nary an apple to be seen.

  “I can sense your judgment.” She glanced at me with a smirk. “I am doubling the crumble because it’s the best part, and I halved the apple portion because I’m not in the mood to be healthy. I have ice cream to go with it. We can talk and eat. I’ve missed you, little sister.” She opened the oven and shoved the apple crumble in.

  “Rose, I am ten minutes younger than you are. Get over the little sister stuff already.” I laughed as Dylan ran up to me and handed me my phone. Rose snatched him around his waist and swung him up in a huge hug.

  “Your phone rang, but no one talked when I answered,” he said and laughed as Rose blew raspberries into his neck. She put him down, and off he went back outside.

  “That’s weird. Probably just a wrong number.” I shrugged and put my phone in my pocket. “Okay, Rose, I’m not judging your attempt at baking. It actually looked good.”

  “I know, weird. Help me make sure it doesn’t burn. So, want to talk about it?” she asked as she opened the fridge and pulled out a Diet Coke.

  “Nope,” I said as I stuffed a ranch-dressing-covered baby carrot into my mouth.

  “I didn’t think so. But I’ve talked to Luke, and I think you should give him a chance. He thought he was doing the right thing. We all understand where he was at. And we’ve all forgiven him, so none of us will give you any crap after you forgive him and get back together and get married and have more cute babies.”

  “You’re so sure that I’ll forgive him, then?” I was kind of freaked out that my family had not only forgiven Luke so quickly, but they all seemed to think we would be getting back together. I got up and headed to the fridge in search of something to drink.

  “Duh, it’s Luke. Luke and Lily are like peanut butter and jelly. And I was always the pickle on your sandwich.” She laughed.

  “You’re not my pickle, Rose, you’re my best friend, and I’ve missed you so much.” I hugged her around her neck, swinging her side to side, and she hugged me back, wrapping her arms around my waist like she always did. We pulled apart just as our brothers started filing through the French doors at the rear of the kitchen.

  I grabbed Rose’s hand. “Aw, back inside so soon? Rose and I wanted to play catch with you guys.”

  “Yeah,” Rose added, “we wanted to play too.”

  Then we said in unison, “Forever and ever and ever.” Then we laughed as our four tall macho brothers turned around and ran back outside.

  Mom, who had just entered the kitchen from the living room, got mad at us. “Rose, Lily—stop scaring your brothers. I never have all my babies together, and you just ran them off with your scary twin act.” We used to go all Shining twins on them regularly, and they would always run off, much to our amusement.

  “You have to get over it because we’re not all together. Holly isn’t here.” Rose laughed. “Woman, you have so many kids that you can’t tell when one is missing?”

  “You’re all here, aren’t you? Violet, Asher, Caden, you two brats.” She pointed at me then Rose as she went down the list, naming us all. “Levi and Jude. Shoot, I did forget about Holly. Don’t tell her,” she mumbled as she turned around and left the kitchen.

  “She’s a crazy woman.” Rose rolled her eyes. “Hey, do you want some of this lasagna?”

  I headed back to my barstool and sat down. Rose was at the fancy chafing dishes my mom had set up on the counter.

  “I’m waiting for the apple crumble,” I said as I stuffed my face. I was stress-eating my way through the hors d’oeuvre platters. When one is stress eating, bite-sized food is a must, along with dessert of any type. “Where is Holly anyway?” I asked through a mouthful of quiche. They were tiny, perfect for stuffing the whole thing in.

  “Check her blog or her Instagram. She posted this morning. She’s in Washington, hiking the Pacific Crest Trail.”

  I shuddered. My younger sister Holly was athletic; she loved running and climbing things and going on long hikes that lasted for days. I hated all those things. We related to each other over our mutual love of all things geek like Firefly and Star Wars.

  “All that walking? Yuck. I’m tired just thinking about it,” I said as I stuffed a blanket-covered pig into my mouth. “Though, I’m tired all the time lately. Calla is against sleeping more than three hours in a row.”

  “Want me to come stay with you tonight?” Rose offered as she sat in the stool next to mine.

  “No thanks. I don’t want to get used to that kind of thing.”

  “Lily, quit being stupid. I don’t mind helping. I’m off all summer too, remember? Being a kindergarten teacher is the best thing I ever did. Summers off!” She took a bite of lasagna and reached out a hand for a high-five.

  Laughing, I smacked her palm. “No thanks, we have to get used to it being just the three of us.”

  She sighed. “It’s not just the three of you and it never will be. Why are you so stubborn? Just let me help.”

  “You helped enough already. You were there for a lot of my bed rest when I was pregnant. Between you, Jane, Mom, and Violet, and Trevor stopping by and helping out, I was never alone.” Trevor had been Will’s partner on the police force. His son Mikey was Dylan’s best friend. Hopefully, he would drive down sometime over the summer, and the boys could visit and play. Trevor was from this area anyway, somewhere near Portland. The boys could have visits whenever Trev visi
ted his family.

  “Lily, I heard you talking with Mom and it’s all a bunch of crap. You don’t have a problem with us helping, not really. You just want to learn to do everything by yourself because you’re scared. Luke left you, then Will died, and you lived far away from all of us. But you’re back home, and let’s talk odds—you have two parents and seven siblings. Plus, Gram, Jed, Auntie Delphine, and our cousins, and of course, there’s Jane, and don’t forget Luke is back. Unless the house blows up during a Sunday dinner or something wacked like that happens, we won’t all be taken out at once. You’ll always have at least one of us to lean on. Think about that and chill the heck out.”

  I was probably being a little ridiculous, but I couldn’t help it. I felt anxious when I thought about all that I had lost. “You’re probably right,” I conceded. “But I don’t need you to spend the night, we’ll be okay.” Telling Rose she was right was the best way to end a disagreement. She could go on and on and on until she got her way.

  “Okay, Lily. Have it your way. But promise to call me if you need me, no matter what time it is. You are nightmare prone. I don’t want you freaking out in the middle of the night when Gram’s house starts all that weird creaking and her neighbor’s asshole dog starts howling at the moon.”

  “Fine. Deal,” I agreed. “I need to leave now anyway. If I can find my baby and wrestle her away from Violet. It’s almost bedtime.”

  “What about my apple crumble?” she pouted.

  “I’m full of all these snacks. Tell me how it turned out.”

  I yelled for Dylan and went off in search of my baby and to distribute goodbye hugs and kisses to my family.

  4

  Lily

  The sun had just begun to set behind the tallest fir tree in Gram’s front yard when we finally made it home for our first night as a family of three. Jane was already home in Portland, finally back at work after her leave of absence. This was the first night since Will died that it would be just me and the kids. I had always loved Gram’s house. It was a cute little cottage, painted a creamy white, with dark green shutters and trim. It was right in the middle of town on a street lined with other old houses. Picket fences surrounded every yard, along with lush green grass, abundant flowers, and tall trees that created an arch over the street. As kids, we used to pretend the house was haunted because it would creak and settle all night long, making noises that we were sure had to be ghosts and zombies. When we slept over with Gram, we would all end up piled in bed with her, where she would tell ghost stories and scare us by cackling like an old witch. It would be strange to have her bedroom be mine. So many memories lived in this old house.