In My Heart: a sweetbriar hearts novel Page 3

  How would I get through this? Coming here had been a mistake. What was I supposed to say? How should I act? He wasn’t mine anymore. There had never been a moment with Luke in my life when he hadn’t been mine. But I didn’t know this Luke.

  Did I even want to know him again? It didn’t matter. I didn’t matter right now. Dylan mattered. And Dylan wanted his father. I would do anything I could to give him that.

  “Let’s go talk to your mom,” Luke said.

  Shoot, they were coming over here. Calla, the baby shield, was still in place, and Rocky was snoring on my feet. I sighed. Now or never.

  “Lily. Thank you for coming over.”

  “You’re welcome, Luke. I figured it was silly to wait, to drag this out. Dylan was so determined to meet you.” I shrugged and that same liar’s laugh escaped me like earlier with Violet and Dad.

  Oh gosh, his eyes. Gorgeous dark chocolate brown—gazing at me like he always used to do—possessively, protectively, like I was the only thing he could see. I got lost in those eyes. I was going under, drowning myself in the memories his presence evoked.

  Why did I feel this way? It had been almost seven years, yet I felt like no time had passed. But so much had changed. I couldn’t reconcile these feelings. It was obvious that everything about our circumstances had changed drastically. As all the feelings I’d ever had for Luke rapidly resurfaced I was confused about how I should react. The old Luke and Lily would react with affection and be at ease with each other. I didn’t know how to be myself around him anymore. I remained tongue-tied, smiled at him lamely, and waited for him to say something.

  “You have the same eyes as me,” Dylan said as Luke sat in the chair across from me, and Dylan sat on the edge of the fire pit between us. It was true, every time I looked at Dylan, it was so hard not to think of Luke. They had the same hair and body structure. Dylan would probably be tall like Luke. At six feet, two, Luke was a foot taller than me. I always used to wear heels so I could reach his mouth to kiss it whenever I chose—and I used to choose to do it often.

  Why can’t I stop thinking like this?

  Luke grinned at Dylan and said, “Chocolate-covered eyeballs.” That grin had always given me a swoony belly whoosh, and this time was no exception. My physical reaction to Luke was disconcerting, to say the least. It was freaking me the heck out, to say the most.

  “That’s what Mommy always says.” Dylan laughed. “What else do we have the same? Do you like to read? I do. I’m reading Harry Potter with my Mom. I like to draw. Do you? Did you carve those bears up? Will you teach me how?”

  Luke waited a beat before he answered, probably to see if Dylan was done talking. Sometimes it was hard to tell. “When I was a kid, your grandma used to babysit me after school, and your mom and I read Harry Potter together. I like to draw, and I made the bears. If it’s okay with your mom, I will teach you whatever you want to learn.” He looked at me uncertainly and smiled nervously.

  “Awesome! My baby sister looked like Dobby the house elf when she was first born. I want to make a baseball bat out of a tree. Then we can play baseball. We can get my uncles and your giant friend Liam and my cousins and play. Your yard is even huger than my grandma’s yard. It will be so fun.” He stood up and started swinging an imaginary bat. Luke chuckled.

  “Dylan, Calla did not look like Dobby,” I insisted. This was a play argument that Dylan and I had often. I couldn’t remain quiet with Dylan looking at me with such joy.

  “Her ears did, and she was all wrinkly and scrawny like Dobby.” Dylan laughed, then a serious expression came over his face and he turned back to Luke. “Do you like babies?” he demanded. I froze.

  “I like babies,” Luke answered. They both looked at me, Dylan with a satisfied grin, and Luke with a hopeful smile. I remained frozen in my seat as I dipped my head low to snuggle Calla and avoid Luke’s eyes. He kept attempting to catch my sight. To connect? To discern my feelings?

  “Good. Even though she has huge ears and smells like poop sometimes, my sister is cute. She smiles a lot and hardly ever barfs all over my mom. If we’re going to get to know each other, then you need to get to know her too. It’s not fair if I’m the only one with a dad now,” he said as he eyed Luke with a determined expression.

  “I would be happy to get to know your sister as long as it’s okay with your mom,” Luke answered, then glanced up at me with a soft look that I caught out of the corner of my eye. “I can do whatever makes you comfortable, Lily. Anything you need.” I was too busy trying not to cry to give an answer. My lower lip trembled, so I bit it. Too hard. Ow.

  “Should I call you Dad? Can I?” Dylan asked, breaking the awkward silence with a potentially awkward question.

  “I would love that,” Luke said and beamed his beautiful white smile at Dylan. “As long as it’s okay with your mom.” He looked at me, hope shined in his eyes, it blinded me. He used to look at me like that all the time. Oh, how I had missed his smile. I shut my eyes briefly against the sight of it before steeling myself so I could respond.

  “You can call him Dad if you like, Dylan. It’s up to you,” I managed to say as I tried to discretely switch Calla to the other breast to nurse. Luke quickly averted his eyes back to Dylan. I guess I failed at being discrete. I could feel my face turn red with embarrassment.

  “Do you think it would hurt my dad Will’s feelings?” Dylan asked, finally showing a little uncertainty.

  Luke answered, “I’m not trying to take Will’s place, and I don’t want you to forget about him. Love makes a father, not blood. Will loved you and took care of you when I wasn’t there to do it myself. He was a good man, and I liked him a lot.”

  “I didn’t know you knew my dad. Why weren’t you there? Why have I never met you before now?” Dylan asked.

  “I met him a few times when I visited your mom whenever I was on leave. She lived with your aunt Jane then, and Will would come around and visit.”

  I never talked about this part of my life with Dylan. It was too painful to remember. What would Jane think of Luke being back in our lives? Jane was my college roommate and we’d been best friends ever since. Will was her older brother. After Will died, she took a leave of absence to move in with me. We’d grieved together and she helped me care for Dylan while I was on bed rest, pregnant with Calla.

  Luke continued, “I am so sorry I wasn’t there for you.” He closed his eyes briefly, then looked intently at Dylan. “Have you ever felt lost? Not like you can’t find the right turn to take or the right path to follow, but lost inside your mind. Maybe so sad you thought you would never be happy again. Or so bad about something you had done that you thought no one could love you anymore?”

  Oh Luke. My heart cracked open at his words.

  “I felt sad like that when my dad Will died,” Dylan said with an expression on his face I’d never seen before. This was serious to him and he was paying attention. He was growing up right before me. I took a deep breath to try to abate the tears that filled my eyes.

  “I felt that way for years. I’m just now starting to feel better. Jed told me about you when I got home. I felt guilty for being so stubborn and stupid. Why didn’t I let your mom and Jed talk to me? Years went by and I missed everything.” He stopped talking, perhaps he was lost in his memories. Shaking it off, he refocused on Dylan. “Jed made me see that I have one chance to make it right. He told me I had to fight for you—to get well, so I could earn your forgiveness. When I was in the Army, I got hurt really bad, Dylan. Most people understand that we need to take care of our bodies—when our bodies get hurt or sick, we go to the doctor, we rest so we can heal. But sometimes our minds get sick too. I had to heal my mind, so I could be the dad you deserve. And I would like to try. Is that okay?”

  “How did you hurt your mind?” Dylan asked.

  I was deep breathing—trying to control my emotions. It was one thing to know that Luke was suffering from PTSD. It was something completely different to hear the words coming directly from him. I
could feel his pain and guilt like something tangible. The wall I had erected in my heart to keep him out began to crumble and it terrified me.

  “When you are in the Army, you see things that are scary. Sometimes people you like get hurt or even die, and it makes you sad. Every day is busy and sometimes dangerous. It’s hard to stop and think. So, sometimes, you just quit thinking because it hurts too much.” He stopped talking and ran his hands over his face and into his hair, leaving his palms covering his eyes. Dylan got up and placed his little hands on Luke’s cheeks, forcing Luke to look at him.

  “I forgive you,” he stated firmly.

  Luke inhaled sharply and clenched his jaw. “I will prove to you every day that I deserve it.” He promised.

  I needed to get out of here before the tears burning behind my eyes spilled over and showed Luke just how much he still affected me. One more word from his lips and I would lose my grip on my tenuous control. Hastily, I stood up. Rocky looked up at me with a doggy groan before hopping to my spot on the swing.

  “I have to go. It’s time,” I announced a little too brightly. “We can make plans for you two to get together. Let’s exchange numbers. Dylan has my phone.” Calla started to fuss. I hugged her to my chest and rubbed her back. I was not sure who was comforting whom at this moment.

  “Okay, but I would like to talk to you too, Lily,” Luke answered softly.

  “Sure, we can make plans to talk soon, but I’m supposed to be at my mom’s house right now for dinner, and I need to put Calla down for a nap.”

  Luke took his phone from his pocket and they exchanged numbers.

  “Come on, Dylan, let’s go to Grandma’s. They’re probably waiting for us. We’ll get you together with Luke soon. Promise.”

  Dylan threw his arms around Luke’s neck. “I’m glad you came home,” Dylan whispered to him, then turned and ran toward the car. I felt my heart break and mend at the same time at the sight.

  “I’m glad you’re back too, Luke,” I said and smiled at him before I turned away and headed for my car.

  “For the first time since I got back, I’m glad I am here,” I heard him answer.

  Luke

  I stood rooted in place next to the fire pit, unable to look away as I watched my son hop into the back seat of Lily’s car. I watched as Lily put her baby in the car seat and buckle her in. Her hair was fiery red just like Lily’s—she was tiny and adorably dressed in her little pink pajamas.

  That should be my baby.

  I wanted Lily back. Seeing her again only cemented that thought further into my mind. And then it struck me. That baby would be mine, just like our Dylan. It didn’t matter to me that she had a different father. I decided right then to let her in my heart.

  I’d liked Will—he’d been a good man—but he was gone. Now it was my chance to take care of them. I looked up, to thank him or somehow acknowledge what he had done. It was impossible. The only way to show my appreciation was to take the action I had already planned on. He had taken care of Lily and Dylan when I was gone, and now I would do the same. But it wasn’t for him—just like I knew he hadn’t done it for me. No, it was all her.

  For Lily. She was the magic; she was the love; she was my heart, and I had been living without all of it for too long.

  Back then, I knew Will wanted her. I’d respected him though, because he never, not once, crossed the line. He was her best friend’s brother, and he’d acted in that fashion toward her. She hadn’t seen what I had—the desire in his eyes, the longing. I could see it because I had felt what he had felt. Only I had her, not him. Until I’d been so damaged that I lost sight of her. My vision had cleared though, just as his life had ended. Tragedy or fate. Who knew? I wasn’t going to bother to figure it out. I had only one objective: my family. Lily. Dylan. And Calla.

  Lily and I were born knowing each other—our mothers said we met in the womb. They’d been best friends, pregnant at the same time, so maybe we did. She had always been special to me.

  Never once did I imagine that she wouldn’t be my friend. Until the day I realized what love really was and started imaging Lily being so much more than my friend. When I knew what a kiss was, I wanted to do it with her. When I was curious about sex, I imagined it with her. When I thought of the family I would have someday, she would be my wife. I wanted to be with her always. I wanted to live with her, die with her. Just be with her. There had never been anyone else.

  I continued watching, though I did sit down and absentmindedly pet Rocky, so I wouldn’t seem like a creeper just standing and staring. When she finally drove off, I sighed. I had a lot to make up for.

  “Heads up!” Liam called as he tossed me a beer, sprawled out on one of the chairs, and propped his feet up on the fire pit. “I heard her drive off. How did it go?” He cracked open his beer and took a long sip. Rocky jumped off the swing and sat next to his feet.

  “It went fine. I mainly talked to Dylan. He’s funny and curious, and so smart, Liam, probably smarter than me,” I said with a laugh.

  “And Lily?” he prodded.

  “We didn’t talk. She said she was glad I was back, we exchanged numbers, and that’s about it. Dylan and I did all the talking. I doubt she would have even spoken to me at all if he wasn’t here.” Disappointment filled my heart. I had a lot of hope built up and not being able to talk to her at all shook me.

  “Sorry, man. She’ll come around,” he said.

  I popped open my beer and sipped it. “Dylan forgave me. But I didn’t hurt him like I hurt her. I wasn’t there for him, but he didn’t know the difference because he had Will. I could see the hurt in her eyes. She gets this look, like she wants to run away. Then she kind of did run away. After Dylan said he forgave me, she couldn’t get away from me fast enough.”

  “It might not be just you she’s running away from. She’s had a lot to deal with and coming back here has got to be dredging up just as many memories for her as it does for you. Bottom line—you’re sorry you screwed up. Make her believe it,” he advised.

  “I didn’t know you were such an expert on relationships, Liam,” I said, making him laugh.

  “I’m not. But if you act all wishy-washy about it, she’ll think you don’t mean it. This is important to you. This is your woman, your family. You have to be all in. Let her know you are all about them. It’s the only way you’ll get anywhere with her.”

  “She’s not my woman anymore,” I argued.

  He sat up in his chair and pointed at me. “Bullshit. I’ve never met her, never even seen a picture of her. But you’ve talked about her so much I knew who she was the moment I saw her. And she was nervous, real jumpy. If she didn’t care, she wouldn’t have been acting so skittish.”

  “She’s worried about Dylan,” I said.

  “And seeing you again,” Liam insisted.

  “I doubt that.” Rocky always sensed when I was feeling down. He came to me and put his head on my leg. I scratched behind his ears, then he jumped on my lap and licked my cheek.

  Liam shook his head. “Keep arguing, Luke. Argue yourself right out of getting your family back. You want them? Earn it. You have a child together and that’s a bond that will never break. That’s your way back to her. You all need each other and that boy needs a father. A good father. That’s something neither of us ever had. This is your chance. Don’t waste it.”

  Liam was right. If I had doubts and let them show, it would only hurt us all. For all these years, I could have had my family. Terrified of physically hurting her again, I cut off all contact. I’d allowed myself to succumb to my fears and remained alone. I’d ended up hurting her far worse than my hands ever could have done. I’d abandoned her when she needed me the most, violating a lifetime of trust we had effortlessly built between us over the years. I hoped like hell I could find a way to repair it. She didn’t need me; she had her family. I was the one in need—I needed her to forgive me for tearing us apart; I needed her back in my life, and I needed that love that only she could give me. I
t was the only way I would ever be whole again.

  3

  Lily

  I groaned as I drove up my parents’ long brick driveway. I spotted all the cars parked neatly along the side and realized that I was the last one to show up. The house I’d grown up in since birth had changed a lot through the years. It started out as an average two-story, three-bedroom and two-bathroom ranch house, white clapboard with dark blue trim, set on fifty acres of land backed by forest and foothills. It was still white with blue trim, but now it was a sprawling eight-bedroom, five-bathroom monstrosity with a huge pool, a pool house, an apartment over the garage that my grandma Rosemary had just moved into, and an office retreat in the backyard for my mom to write her books.

  Mom was a novelist, otherwise known as Dahlia Lake. She wrote romance; she believed in true love, and she was an unapologetic, nosy matchmaker. Mom was slightly nuts but her heart was in the right place. She loved kids—there were eight of us after all—and she was always pressuring us for more grandchildren.

  Instead of moving every time my mother popped out another baby, Dad would just add on to the house. In addition to his job as Sweetbriar’s chief of police, my dad was the ultimate do-it-yourselfer. He had just finished adding a massive great room to the house so we could all fit for Sunday dinner. This would be my first required Sunday dinner with the family, and I was already off to a bad start, seeing as I was late.

  I cut the engine and turned around in my seat. “Dylan, we’re late. I might get grounded,” I joked.

  “Ooh, you’re in trouble.” He laughed at me. “I’ll tell Grandma it’s my fault. She never gets mad at me because I’m so cute.”